Heavy Burdens

This week I have decided to be completely honest about where I am mentally and emotionally in this pregnancy. I have had many people who have been divided on what they think about me being pregnant again and I can't say that I blame them ... to a certain extent. Most people are very excited about my new pregnancy and are full of support and love and others while not mean of course feel that i may have not waited long enough before starting again. I feel the need to voice where i am in the course of my grief journey to help those who are skeptical about our decision to conceive again so soon after baby Cale's death. I want people to understand that this pregnancy was is in no way shape or form an attempt to replace my son. For those mothers who have experience infant and newborn death you understand fully the fact that no life can replace another. The love i have for my son is something that will never be erased or replaced neither is the hurt that i feel for him. Cale will always be with me and i will carry him to my grave by continuing to make him apart of my life and the life of my family (this is the reason we let Cale announce our pregnancy through his poster saying i'm a big brother). However, women who have experienced this kind of loss can also tell you the immense sadness that comes with no longer being pregnant. Pregnancy is not just a means to an end but a bond made between two individuals and its one experience that the minute i got home from the hospital i missed and i yearned for, not necessarily another baby but the feeling of closeness i once shared with my son. Now that we are expecting again i am excited about the opportunity to share Cales life with another sibling but i am also fighting alot of other feelings. There are days especially lately that i feel so guilty for being pregnant. I almost feel as if it is unfair for me to have another baby ever because that would signify that i am moving on with my life and that my heart is moving on. The truth is in a way i want to move on with life so my husband and i can fulfill our dreams of a family together but in another way i never want to move on because i fear losing the closeness i have with my son in my heart and mind right now. I shared these feelings with a friend the other day and she shared with me a song by a christian group called Selah. She said a member of this group wrote a song called I will carry you about a similar situation to Cales and that it would really touch my heart and it has. It explains everything i feel right now about this pregnancy! So have a listen go to my facebook page and click on my link there its so worth the time ... It will touch your heart!!

Catching Up

It is strange for me to look back over the few posts I have made on this blog over the few months i actually kept it up, because since my last post in May my life has once again turned upside down. I thought that since I am home today with extreme nausea and morning sickness (yuck) that I would update you all on what has happened since my due date week...

After the week of my due date i hit a major wall in my journey through grief, as i mentioned in that post i came off of my anti-depressant and boy did it make a difference. I could barely get though the day without a breakdown everything from work to church to eating dinner made me sad so in order to cope and not have to go back on medication I  cut myself off from all things sad. I no longer listened to the radio (for like 2 months), I didn't bother watching T.V., and i stopped blogging all in the name of sanity. After about a month or so my hormones finally got a hold of themselves and started acting semi-normal but by this time i was swamped with changes to my life again. Right before the end of the school year in Alexander City I was offered a job closer to home at Winterboro High School. At first I was not sure that I wanted to even consider the move but after my doctor released us to start trying for another baby Colt thought that me being closer to Birmingham was a good idea, so i took the job. My friends at work were very sad to see me go and an amazing group of 16 little teenage girls were devastated because Momma Lightsey, the dance coach, would not be there anymore... this was the hardest part of leaving....my babies.  I started off summer working as usual but this time at Winterboro tutoring for the grad exam. I went on vacation with my mom, nanny, sister and brother for a week to the beach, which was great fun and i needed it badly. When i got back i was to go to dance camp with my babies for the last time but before i could leave for Auburn i got a big surprise..... I got a positive pregnancy test!! In order not to pump people up for no reason we waited a week or so to even tell our parents, I wanted to wait longer but morning sickness set in early. We were thrilled, nervous, excited, sad, depressed, and feeling guilty all at the same time. I knew that getting pregnant again would be an emotional experience but no one could have prepared me for this! This is where i will pick up the pieces of my blog for my followers, I will use this to once again share my storm, a different one, but in many ways the same... the storm of starting over, expecting again and remembering more! 

Due Date Dumps

As most of you know this is baby Cales due date week. My due date was May 6 but as most of you mothers know the doctors always expect a late baby for your first, so this whole week would have been exciting had things gone according to plan. I promised at the beginning of this blog to be completely honest with my followers so in order to stay true to that promise I'm going to share with you the brash truth. Many of you have seen me and my husand in public or contacted us through facebook to tell us how strong we are and how you don't believe you could handle this devastation the way we have. Even though I would love to say, "oh yes thankyou ... We are just the Bomb at coping, (word choice influenced by my 7th graders)... I can't say that and be truthful. After Cale passed I was a total wreck for a good 2 weeks ! I was unable to sleep, eat, walk or think. In all honesty I didn't want to be alive because a part of me had died. At my 2 week post op my doctor and I decided that I needed a little, well alot of help coping with my intense loss so I decided to start taking an anti depressant.. Lexapro to be exact! Shortly after I started my RX I felt much better not numb but better I could actually breathe without heaving tears and from that moment on when people asked me how I could do it I would reply ... The Lord and Lexapro... It was sorta a running joke with my family and close friends! I still think southern belle or sassy frass should sponsor a t-shirt with that catch phrase... ( a southern belle tackles life with the lord and lexapro... Lol) Anyway, for about the last month I have been off of my anti depressant and boy can my poor husband tell but I felt I needed to so it would be in my system when the doc finally releases us to try again. So needless to say yesterday was a nightmare. I heaved tears most of the day and colt and I went after church to his gravesite and put 3 roses down one for each member of our little family. I was ok for a while but last night a sense of deep loss hit me when I realized I should be packing for the hospital and putting a his carseat in it's permanent place in mommys car.. So the river came and came and I cried myself to sleep. My students def see the bags under my eyes today for sure!! However one Ray of hope is shining for us right now .. We go to the doc on may 28 to see if we are released to start trying again to give cale a baby brother or sister so please keep us
In your prayers!

A Slap in the face and A Kiss on the Cheek!

Until Now I have never truly understood the power of words. Whether spoken, texted, written or sung words have weight. Words of encouragment and love are strong enough to lift even the heaviest of spirits but words of anger, filth, or neglect are strong enough to break the jaw of the recipient because they have hit like a slap in the face.

In my life I have had my share of bruised and fractured jaws from careless words spoken by people I thought loved me... But my jaw has never been broken by words until now. When my son was born he lived for a little over an hour and so his dad and I did what any other parent would do and applied for a birth certificate and death certificate. The latter was a little hard to apply for but nevertheless we applied! This past week I had the unfortunate duty of visiting the Sylacauga health department to pick up both of the certificates for Cales records. When I walked in I expected to walk out with 2 pieces of paper but instead I walked out with something more a broken jaw (metaphorical) and a shattered heart! When I was handed my sweet boys birth certificate I was appalled at what I saw ... The bones of the birth certificate was the same as any other babies but what I saw written across it was terrible! Written across my babies birth certificate in big black letters was a word that knocked the wind out of me ... The word DECEASED!!!!!!! Not small in a check box but slashed across his life as if he never existed!! I didn't understand so I asked why that had to be put on there when I had a seperate death cerificate and the answer was ma'am according to the state of Alabama if I child dies the same day it's born Alabama does not require a birth certificate to be made unless requested ... So in other words my sweet babies hour of life wasnt enough for my state to acknowlege or validate!! Then I was told "atleast he wasn't stillborn" Stillborn mothers don't get ANYTHING!!! So let me get this straight a baby after 20 weeks gestation can kick it's mother , move her belly and hiccup but because an accident happened before birth that baby never existed??? It's not worth the state of alabamas time and paper to care about it's bereaved parents??? I say NO it's not right!! I believe all mothers deserve to have their babies life acknowleged!! 37 states have already passes laws stating that all mothers get some official record of their babies birth stillborn or not ... Whether they live 5 minutes or 50 years they recieve the acknowledgment of that life and now my friends my purpose from these ashes has been revealed by God to me I am going to fight for this to be passed in Alabama!! I will be starting a petition on facebook soon so please stop in and join and let's Acknowlege our Angels !!

Broken Expectations and Vanishing Dreams

"I will make you fruitful in the land of suffering, trading beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, praise for despair. I live with the low spirited and crushed. I put a new spirit within you and you get on your feet again. Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning. If I am for you, who can ever be against you"- From (MAX LUCADO Traveling Light).

Thank God that this statement is true especially about weeping all night and joy coming in the morning because there have been days, especially lately, that I am praying for the next day to come just so I can have a break from the heavy load of the one I am in! This past weekend was hard for my husband and I (not like everyday isn't hard now) but I was warned after Cale's passing that most holidays would be a struggle to get through for a while, and boy were they right! Every mother, the minute they become pregnant, can't help but imagine and plan what life with the baby will be like from then on. Every holiday with the new arrival is pre-planned and excitement wells inside way before that gender ultrasound is even performed because deep down you know all of the fun that age has stolen from life is about to return in the eyes of your child! Even though I do not regret one moment I spent day dreaming about life with Cale those broken expectations and vanishing dreams have to be one of the hardest things to accept through this experience. Even though Cale was not meant to be here yet my sister and I had planned to make my pregnancy photos at Easter and paint my belly like an Easter Egg (which sadly I probably still could have done). Easter was suppose to be a time of anticipation waiting just 3 more weeks for baby Cale's arrival but instead of decorating my belly and his nursery I found myself decorating his grave site, a mother's worst nightmare!



Don't get me wrong it wasn't the decorating that made me sad it was what the decorations represented. That Easter basket with eggs represented all the Easter's my son wouldn't be hunting Easter eggs screaming, "mommy i got one!" The bunny represented all the Easter pictures my son would never take with the famous bunny most toddlers are scared of and the mornings of ," Mommy the Easter bunny came last night," that i would never experience. The angel, no matter how beautiful it was, just finalized for me the end of the beginning... my baby was a baby no more but an angel too soon getting his wings! Broken expectations, vanishing dreams and eyes filled with tears is what I got in my Easter basket this year. Everything on this day upset me and there was nothing I could do about it... every song at church, every baby in their Easter best, every Easter egg hunt everything screamed at me... this was suppose to be me!!

In the end though I realized something far more important than all of the disappointment and the pain .... that I am blessed and highly favored! My god allowed me to see another Easter with my precious husband and family. My god allowed me to see the truth, that with death comes new life and what my son is experiencing now is more than i could have ever given him here on this Earth. Finally, god made me realize that i got to experience something many women never do and that is carrying a baby inside of me and having him move within me and be laid in my arms to rest... Even if i never conceive again i have experienced more than many could ever dream about and that is something to celebrate because...

"What kind of love is writing my story till the end with mercies pen..

What kind of king would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart..

What kind of  Love tells me I’m the reason He can’t stay inside the grave?
You. Is it You? Standing here before my eyes, every part of my heart cries

Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy’s overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive." (ALIVE _ NATALIE GRANT)

My Storm

My name is Kayla Lightsey I have a wonderful family, great friends and a ALMIGHTY God but I also have a storm raging in my life... the storm of GRIEF!! In August of 2011 I and my husband of 3 years (and high school sweetheart of 10 years) Colt Lightsey found out that we were going to be parents for the first time. Unlike some this pregnancy was completely planned, we had been trying for 8 months when God finally blessed us with our little pea pod, there was not a happier couple in all of Alabama!!

 My pregnancy was one for the books every symptom from those, "What to Expect," books I had but the worst thing was the 17 weeks of morning sickness. By the way, whoever called it morning sickness must have been asleep the rest of the day because morning had nothing to do with it, I threw up everyday all day!! After those long weeks of sickness we finally got to find out what our little pea pod was going to be and boy were we surprised!! During most of my pregnancy most of the doctors and nurses were betting Girl because the babies heart rate was in the 160's most of the time but little did we know a precious little BOY was going to make a grand appearance. Needless to say my husband and father-in-law were so excited at this news they were fit to be tied, I do believe everybody in the Talladega County area knew within 24 hours that the Lightsey family was indeed having a little boy!!

 Now when I say our little boy made a grand entrance the word I probably should have used was shocking because indeed to us and to the medical community at St. Vincent's it was. On January 25, 2012 I was going on 28 weeks pregnant, the day started out as any other I got up jumped in my (getting tighter by the day) maternity pants and headed off to my daily job as a 7th grade history teacher at Alexander City Middle School. Work that day was just that WORK.. dealing with 7th graders is always stressful so I was no stranger to a little stress but this morning I was in a little more physical pain than I had been accustomed to (alot of tummy cramping)! As the morning progressed I noticed my pain steadily getting worse to the point I could hardly walk so I decided to call my doctor, only after the school nurse verified that my blood pressure was 165/85 and that she believed I could possibly be going into early labor. On the way to the hospital I noticed that our little boy had not moved very much all morning, like he normally did, other than a few hiccup spells earlier in the morning so my mom gene kicked in and i immediately began to worry about my little man. When we arrived at the hospital my OB immediately sent me down to labor and delivery to be put on the monitors. After a thorough check the doctors had determined I was not in labor.. No contractions... No dilation.. No reason for my intense pain. Needless to say I was a bit frustrated and very Ill that I was hurting so badly and the doctors couldn't seem to find the source; however, I was relieved that the babies heart rate was fine and the sonogram showed a healthy happy baby! Shortly after the sonogram a general surgeon came in and said he would like to run a CAT Scan on me because he believed my pain could possibly be from an appendix problem. He informed me that he could remove my appendix the next day if need be and continue with no effect on my pregnancy. He left the room to go get the CAT Scan room ready and then my life changed forever. My mom was sitting on my hospital bed with me rubbing my cramping back when all of a sudden I began to hemorrhage! Not bleed ... Hemorrhage.. Within seconds it seemed there were 20 nurses over my body monitors beeping with the heart rate of my son dropping before my eyes, I began going into shock and shaking so violently my husband feared my teeth were going to break. After a minute of excruciating tests my OB (Dr. Snowden) ripped my bed out of the wall and told my husband, mother, and in-laws that she had less than 10 minutes to get the baby out or we were both going to die! After a 6 minute emergency c-section my son Joseph "Cale" Lightsey was born and 1 pound 16 ounces and 16 inches long ( NOT BREATHING)! After much work by the nurses Cale began to breathe with the help of a tube and his life was spared ... we thought! After a 30 minute recovery time I woke up to the worst news a mom could ever receive... Hunny Cale is not going to make it his little lungs and brain were just without oxygen too long we only have about an hour! (According to doctors I had a full placental abruption that effects only 10% of women... this rips away the baby's life support and causes imminent fetal demise in most cases.) My son was then handed to me so i could say my hello as his mommy and too soon have to say goodbye. They say that babies born to die are perfect in every way and I believe that this is true because my son Cale could not have been more beautiful.. no bruises.. no hematomas... no nothing just a beautiful skin, long legs and an adorable little WHO nose!! After 1 hour of rocking, singing the teddy bear song, kissing, and talking to our sweet boy Cale left the arms of his parents to the arms of Jesus. Here at this place is where my story begins... my story of learning how for the first time to PRAISE HIM IN THIS STORM!