Thank God that this statement is true especially about weeping all night and joy coming in the morning because there have been days, especially lately, that I am praying for the next day to come just so I can have a break from the heavy load of the one I am in! This past weekend was hard for my husband and I (not like everyday isn't hard now) but I was warned after Cale's passing that most holidays would be a struggle to get through for a while, and boy were they right! Every mother, the minute they become pregnant, can't help but imagine and plan what life with the baby will be like from then on. Every holiday with the new arrival is pre-planned and excitement wells inside way before that gender ultrasound is even performed because deep down you know all of the fun that age has stolen from life is about to return in the eyes of your child! Even though I do not regret one moment I spent day dreaming about life with Cale those broken expectations and vanishing dreams have to be one of the hardest things to accept through this experience. Even though Cale was not meant to be here yet my sister and I had planned to make my pregnancy photos at Easter and paint my belly like an Easter Egg (which sadly I probably still could have done). Easter was suppose to be a time of anticipation waiting just 3 more weeks for baby Cale's arrival but instead of decorating my belly and his nursery I found myself decorating his grave site, a mother's worst nightmare!
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Don't get me wrong it wasn't the decorating that made me sad it was what the decorations represented. That Easter basket with eggs represented all the Easter's my son wouldn't be hunting Easter eggs screaming, "mommy i got one!" The bunny represented all the Easter pictures my son would never take with the famous bunny most toddlers are scared of and the mornings of ," Mommy the Easter bunny came last night," that i would never experience. The angel, no matter how beautiful it was, just finalized for me the end of the beginning... my baby was a baby no more but an angel too soon getting his wings! Broken expectations, vanishing dreams and eyes filled with tears is what I got in my Easter basket this year. Everything on this day upset me and there was nothing I could do about it... every song at church, every baby in their Easter best, every Easter egg hunt everything screamed at me... this was suppose to be me!!
In the end though I realized something far more important than all of the disappointment and the pain .... that I am blessed and highly favored! My god allowed me to see another Easter with my precious husband and family. My god allowed me to see the truth, that with death comes new life and what my son is experiencing now is more than i could have ever given him here on this Earth. Finally, god made me realize that i got to experience something many women never do and that is carrying a baby inside of me and having him move within me and be laid in my arms to rest... Even if i never conceive again i have experienced more than many could ever dream about and that is something to celebrate because...
"What kind of love is writing my story till the end with mercies pen..
What kind of king would choose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars to win my heart..
What kind of Love tells me I’m the reason He can’t stay inside the grave?
You. Is it You? Standing here before my eyes, every part of my heart cries
Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy’s overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive." (ALIVE _ NATALIE GRANT)
You. Is it You? Standing here before my eyes, every part of my heart cries
Alive! Alive! Look what Mercy’s overcome; Death has lost and Love has won
Alive! Alive! Hallelujah, Risen Lord, the only One I fall before
I am His because He is alive." (ALIVE _ NATALIE GRANT)
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