Heavy Burdens

This week I have decided to be completely honest about where I am mentally and emotionally in this pregnancy. I have had many people who have been divided on what they think about me being pregnant again and I can't say that I blame them ... to a certain extent. Most people are very excited about my new pregnancy and are full of support and love and others while not mean of course feel that i may have not waited long enough before starting again. I feel the need to voice where i am in the course of my grief journey to help those who are skeptical about our decision to conceive again so soon after baby Cale's death. I want people to understand that this pregnancy was is in no way shape or form an attempt to replace my son. For those mothers who have experience infant and newborn death you understand fully the fact that no life can replace another. The love i have for my son is something that will never be erased or replaced neither is the hurt that i feel for him. Cale will always be with me and i will carry him to my grave by continuing to make him apart of my life and the life of my family (this is the reason we let Cale announce our pregnancy through his poster saying i'm a big brother). However, women who have experienced this kind of loss can also tell you the immense sadness that comes with no longer being pregnant. Pregnancy is not just a means to an end but a bond made between two individuals and its one experience that the minute i got home from the hospital i missed and i yearned for, not necessarily another baby but the feeling of closeness i once shared with my son. Now that we are expecting again i am excited about the opportunity to share Cales life with another sibling but i am also fighting alot of other feelings. There are days especially lately that i feel so guilty for being pregnant. I almost feel as if it is unfair for me to have another baby ever because that would signify that i am moving on with my life and that my heart is moving on. The truth is in a way i want to move on with life so my husband and i can fulfill our dreams of a family together but in another way i never want to move on because i fear losing the closeness i have with my son in my heart and mind right now. I shared these feelings with a friend the other day and she shared with me a song by a christian group called Selah. She said a member of this group wrote a song called I will carry you about a similar situation to Cales and that it would really touch my heart and it has. It explains everything i feel right now about this pregnancy! So have a listen go to my facebook page and click on my link there its so worth the time ... It will touch your heart!!

Catching Up

It is strange for me to look back over the few posts I have made on this blog over the few months i actually kept it up, because since my last post in May my life has once again turned upside down. I thought that since I am home today with extreme nausea and morning sickness (yuck) that I would update you all on what has happened since my due date week...

After the week of my due date i hit a major wall in my journey through grief, as i mentioned in that post i came off of my anti-depressant and boy did it make a difference. I could barely get though the day without a breakdown everything from work to church to eating dinner made me sad so in order to cope and not have to go back on medication I  cut myself off from all things sad. I no longer listened to the radio (for like 2 months), I didn't bother watching T.V., and i stopped blogging all in the name of sanity. After about a month or so my hormones finally got a hold of themselves and started acting semi-normal but by this time i was swamped with changes to my life again. Right before the end of the school year in Alexander City I was offered a job closer to home at Winterboro High School. At first I was not sure that I wanted to even consider the move but after my doctor released us to start trying for another baby Colt thought that me being closer to Birmingham was a good idea, so i took the job. My friends at work were very sad to see me go and an amazing group of 16 little teenage girls were devastated because Momma Lightsey, the dance coach, would not be there anymore... this was the hardest part of leaving....my babies.  I started off summer working as usual but this time at Winterboro tutoring for the grad exam. I went on vacation with my mom, nanny, sister and brother for a week to the beach, which was great fun and i needed it badly. When i got back i was to go to dance camp with my babies for the last time but before i could leave for Auburn i got a big surprise..... I got a positive pregnancy test!! In order not to pump people up for no reason we waited a week or so to even tell our parents, I wanted to wait longer but morning sickness set in early. We were thrilled, nervous, excited, sad, depressed, and feeling guilty all at the same time. I knew that getting pregnant again would be an emotional experience but no one could have prepared me for this! This is where i will pick up the pieces of my blog for my followers, I will use this to once again share my storm, a different one, but in many ways the same... the storm of starting over, expecting again and remembering more!