Heavy Burdens

This week I have decided to be completely honest about where I am mentally and emotionally in this pregnancy. I have had many people who have been divided on what they think about me being pregnant again and I can't say that I blame them ... to a certain extent. Most people are very excited about my new pregnancy and are full of support and love and others while not mean of course feel that i may have not waited long enough before starting again. I feel the need to voice where i am in the course of my grief journey to help those who are skeptical about our decision to conceive again so soon after baby Cale's death. I want people to understand that this pregnancy was is in no way shape or form an attempt to replace my son. For those mothers who have experience infant and newborn death you understand fully the fact that no life can replace another. The love i have for my son is something that will never be erased or replaced neither is the hurt that i feel for him. Cale will always be with me and i will carry him to my grave by continuing to make him apart of my life and the life of my family (this is the reason we let Cale announce our pregnancy through his poster saying i'm a big brother). However, women who have experienced this kind of loss can also tell you the immense sadness that comes with no longer being pregnant. Pregnancy is not just a means to an end but a bond made between two individuals and its one experience that the minute i got home from the hospital i missed and i yearned for, not necessarily another baby but the feeling of closeness i once shared with my son. Now that we are expecting again i am excited about the opportunity to share Cales life with another sibling but i am also fighting alot of other feelings. There are days especially lately that i feel so guilty for being pregnant. I almost feel as if it is unfair for me to have another baby ever because that would signify that i am moving on with my life and that my heart is moving on. The truth is in a way i want to move on with life so my husband and i can fulfill our dreams of a family together but in another way i never want to move on because i fear losing the closeness i have with my son in my heart and mind right now. I shared these feelings with a friend the other day and she shared with me a song by a christian group called Selah. She said a member of this group wrote a song called I will carry you about a similar situation to Cales and that it would really touch my heart and it has. It explains everything i feel right now about this pregnancy! So have a listen go to my facebook page and click on my link there its so worth the time ... It will touch your heart!!