Due Date Dumps

As most of you know this is baby Cales due date week. My due date was May 6 but as most of you mothers know the doctors always expect a late baby for your first, so this whole week would have been exciting had things gone according to plan. I promised at the beginning of this blog to be completely honest with my followers so in order to stay true to that promise I'm going to share with you the brash truth. Many of you have seen me and my husand in public or contacted us through facebook to tell us how strong we are and how you don't believe you could handle this devastation the way we have. Even though I would love to say, "oh yes thankyou ... We are just the Bomb at coping, (word choice influenced by my 7th graders)... I can't say that and be truthful. After Cale passed I was a total wreck for a good 2 weeks ! I was unable to sleep, eat, walk or think. In all honesty I didn't want to be alive because a part of me had died. At my 2 week post op my doctor and I decided that I needed a little, well alot of help coping with my intense loss so I decided to start taking an anti depressant.. Lexapro to be exact! Shortly after I started my RX I felt much better not numb but better I could actually breathe without heaving tears and from that moment on when people asked me how I could do it I would reply ... The Lord and Lexapro... It was sorta a running joke with my family and close friends! I still think southern belle or sassy frass should sponsor a t-shirt with that catch phrase... ( a southern belle tackles life with the lord and lexapro... Lol) Anyway, for about the last month I have been off of my anti depressant and boy can my poor husband tell but I felt I needed to so it would be in my system when the doc finally releases us to try again. So needless to say yesterday was a nightmare. I heaved tears most of the day and colt and I went after church to his gravesite and put 3 roses down one for each member of our little family. I was ok for a while but last night a sense of deep loss hit me when I realized I should be packing for the hospital and putting a his carseat in it's permanent place in mommys car.. So the river came and came and I cried myself to sleep. My students def see the bags under my eyes today for sure!! However one Ray of hope is shining for us right now .. We go to the doc on may 28 to see if we are released to start trying again to give cale a baby brother or sister so please keep us
In your prayers!